Self Love and Self Image

What would improve in your life if you had more love for yourself in the present moment?

You may already love yourself unconditionally or self love may be something that you're not quite feeling in your bones just yet. Either way, you're great and you're on your own beautiful journey. Loving yourself honestly in your present moment, every moment, can be a profound and powerful experience. 

I want to share my story with you because maybe you feel the way that I did (at least in some capacity). I want you to know that you're more than what you're seeing in the mirror and that it's entirely possible to love what you see, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

My Story

For a few years, before I loved myself truly, I would nit-pick my appearance to the point that I would avoid going out places and being social. Although people would tell me that I was pretty, I didn't feel like it and I felt like my appearance wasn't what it should be. I focused in on the experiences when I was teased in the past (as a kid) and started to really run with them in my early to late twenties. I heavily compared myself to my peers and images in mass media.

It got to the point that I avoided looking in the mirror most of the time because I didn't like what I saw and it would lead to intense self critiques. All I would see were the premature smile wrinkles around my eyes, eyebrows that I could never really keep up with (unibrow for the win!), frizzy unruly hair, and blackheads on my nose. I felt like my upturned nose and naturally round face made me look like a pig. I felt fat, too flat-chested, and generally dissatisfied with my body. I would spiral in and focus on all of the things that were "wrong" with me. I didn't have absolutely glowing radiant skin, I wasn't thin enough, my stretch marks were unsightly, and having any cellulite was a big no-no. I placed a lot of pressure on myself to look "perfect". This caused a lot of anxiety and hating myself for looking the way that I did. I made myself small and I felt like if I didn't look a certain way I wouldn't be loved or respected.

Feeling relatively cute and full of anxiety before going to a Halloween party in 2014.

This self-critiquing affected how I operated in the world with others too.

Sometimes I'd have to pump myself up in order to go to work. In order to get ready, I would quickly put on my make up and, often, not look at myself in the mirror for the rest of the day. Work wasn't as anxiety inducing since there was the mental distraction of doing work. It was just a matter of getting to work when the anxiety and self-loathing were peaking. Most of the time I would tough it out when the intensity started to peak before work (bills, am I right?). Those intense moments weren't super often, most of the time it felt manageable even though it wasn't healthy for my mental well-being.

I would make plans with friends (because I really wanted to connect with them), but I'd often cancel last minute when I didn't feel like I looked "right". The stress over my appearance was too intense at times and seemed insurmountable. Other times it was okay and manageable enough that I could make those outings. I would rationalize that the benefit of maintaining connections was worth going out for, even though I felt the underlying discomfort.

When I would go out to social gatherings, I experienced a blanket of worry about my appearance. "Do they think I'm unworthy because I'm fat?" "Will they avoid talking to me when they get up close and see how ugly my skin is?"

This also strained my relationship with my boyfriend at the time, he was my best friend and I trusted/burdened him with being my support system especially with regard to how I looked. If I had a couple of dollars for each time I asked him, "Do I look okay?" before we'd leave the house and when we'd be out and about, I'd probably have enough for a down-payment on a house in Los Angeles. He would tell me that I looked great and that I was beautiful, but ultimately those comments were short-lived in my mind since I didn't believe it. As the years passed, this insecurity dance (asking the question, reply, me not believing it) led to arguments and general dissatisfaction on both our parts. I knew he wanted me to feel beautiful and secure, but I didn't know how to. I felt ashamed for having the self-loathing since it seemed so superficial and non-important in the grand scheme of things. My insecurities were getting the best of me and adding unnecessary stress to the relationship.

Over the years the feelings of being inadequate persisted, but lost some of their strength. I immersed myself in personal development, watching TEDTalks on happiness and reading books on mindfulness. I still had the internal dialogue, but my interest in moving past that was stronger.

My fears would sometimes pop up and it would affect how I'd operate with others, but it was much more manageable. I would feel the fear and do it anyway. I would still feel the fear almost every time I'd go out though. I started keeping it to myself and it didn't seem like too much of a problem. I'd lean into the mirror to do my make up in the morning, but otherwise I still generally avoided it. It seemed like my self-perception improved and that was that, this was the internal dialogue that I was going to have for the rest of my life. It wasn't as bad as before, I still wasn't kind to myself, but it only minimally affected my life since I was still doing things. It felt innocuous overall.

The Critical Change

It wasn't until I got an opportunity to be really vulnerable and share my feeling of inadequacy with others that things truly changed for me. I want to note that I was really fortunate that I was in a safe space when I shared my feelings. It was scary as hell at the time.

It was as if the universe offered me an opportunity to face the fear head on and let go. Now it was my choice to allow myself to fall into the unknown or to stay clinging to the familiar just because I knew what it was like. I took the leap. All of the years of being down on myself and the self-hatred poured out of me in loud sobs. Pressure built up in my chest and I released it. I shared how I didn't feel like enough and then was masterfully coached. I felt nervous right after, "Was that too much?" I started to feel the shift though. The pressure had been released, and I started to accept myself as I was.

I think and feel it's integral to allow yourself to be vulnerable with others and to surround yourself with people that are compassionate, empathetic, and that treat you like the incredible person that you are, especially when you're doing something that is super difficult for you. Opening myself up and expressing the self-judgement that I had led me to consider other options. There was a sense that something new and different was possible. I stepped into that different space, a space of unconditional self-love, and changed my life.

My worth isn't based on my appearance any longer. I'm compassionate with myself when I don't feel like my version of perfection.  Self love allows me to feel more confident and excited about what I want to improve; instead of thinking of the "improvements" as unattainable goals. Regardless of whether or not I get to the goal, I love myself as I am right now; I'm not waiting to love myself once I become that future version. Even though I want to lose weight and be the size that I was long ago, I don't beat myself up about it. I feel beautiful at a size 14 and I know that I won't feel more beautiful at a size 4. Thinking, and feeling, you're beautiful and worthy is an internal process.

A month ago I experienced an exercise that put this new perspective to the test. I had to look at myself in the mirror for an amount of time that was unknown to me. Initially I felt a little bit of fear around this process, but I knew that I wouldn't get the benefit if I didn't participate fully.

I ended up being pleasantly surprised.

I looked at my face in the mirror. I saw the smile lines around my eyes, the stray eyebrow hairs that hadn't been plucked, fly away hairs, some dryness, and blackheads. And it was totally okay. The negative dialogue didn't creep up. The only self-improvement dialogue that came up was that I maybe should be drinking more water instead of coffee.

I continued to look at my face and I started to appreciate that this is my face. I looked into my eyes and recognized that this physical body is part of me, not a separate entity. My body helps me navigate the world. I internalized that am an incredible being just like everyone else.

I also feel comfortable going out and meeting friends and new people. I don't have the anxiety blanket covering me at every moment. I'm able to be present.  I can talk to others and listen more fully, without self-hate sliding in to say hello and overtaking the conversation.

Unconditional love for myself has allowed me to step into my greatness, be genuine with others, and take more positive actions in my life that wouldn't have been possible without that love. Unconditional love for the way that I look has helped me feel free.

With love,

Adri