Setting Boundaries
Do you have trouble setting boundaries with your partner, friends, and/or family?
Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, especially if you’ve experienced push back, anger, or resentment in the past. Fear of losing that connection or the thought/feeling that saying “no” is selfish is very real and can hold us back from honoring our well-being.
In the past, I would often overextend myself or violate what felt right to me in order to please others. Consequently, I would end up feeling anxious and sad, angry at myself, and resentful for not setting my limits clearly. The fear of confrontation after a boundary set was terrifying especially since I had encountered severe anger or being stonewalled in the past from the person or people I had tried to set the boundary with. I had a lot of difficulty setting boundaries and, in turn, I also wasn’t very graceful about receiving boundaries. It hurts to have your boundaries questioned (or even attacked) and to know that there were instances in the past when you weren’t the most loving either. Up until a few years ago, I hadn’t consciously connected the dots that how we set our boundaries and how we receive them could be interconnected. The exercise below helped me find the connection, set boundaries more easily, and accept boundaries from people with love and care.
If you have a tough time setting boundaries with others, I invite you to do an exercise (or two) below in order to flex your boundary setting muscle.
Partnered (if you’re currently living with someone else):
Note this exercise could be done with a romantic partner or friend/roommate; just be sure that they want to do this exercise too, ask for their consent!
Make sure that you’re both in a comfortable state and position sitting near each other.
Person 1, ask, “May I touch your arm/thigh/hand/face (choose a body location)?”
Person 2, even if you want that touch, say “No.”
Person 1, take a moment to feel the rejection and then (lovingly) say, “Thank you for taking care of yourself.”
Alternate the roles and practice going back and forth as much as you like.
What came up for each of you? Did you feel considered and heard? Did it feel silly and awkward?
Single (you’re currently living alone or don’t want to do the partnered version):
Think of times when others set boundaries with you. How did you respond? What feelings came up for you? Was there resistance? Was there loving acceptance?
Next, visualize a person that you’d like to set a boundary with, but haven’t quite had the courage to bring it up.
Imagine that they’re sitting or standing right in front of you.
While imagining them, state your boundary (or boundaries) aloud and how you feel in detail.
Notice how you imagine them responding and how you feel after their response. Do you have tension in your body? Did they get angry and ignore you? Did they begrudgingly accept? Did you feel empowered, scared, or weird?
Now, replay steps 2 - 4. This time though, when you imagine their response (step 5) - consider what it would feel like if your boundary was lovingly accepted. The receiver didn’t take it as an affront, but truly saw it as a way of you loving and respecting yourself - and responded accordingly. Perhaps imagine that when you set the boundary, they had the same level of acceptance and gratitude as when you’ve said “yes” in the past.
What feelings and thoughts come up for you? Do you feel heard? Do you feel uneasy? Whatever you feel throughout this exercise is perfectly normal.
Journal your experiences and/or share with a loved one what thoughts and feelings emerged for you.
When opportunities to set boundaries with others come up in the future, I invite you to consider that it’s really more about saying “yes” to you and loving yourself, than saying “no” to the other person. It’s not selfish for us to ask for what we feel we need in our relationships. Saying “no” can build a stronger connection with the people who love you. Additionally, most of the time, when people set boundaries with us, it’s a form of them taking care of themselves and we have the option of how we respond to that boundary.
What do you feel about setting boundaries?
How do you want your boundaries to be received?
What insights came up from the exercise?
I’d love to hear from you.